Deja Vu!

Seems things are kicking up again with the little guy...  I hate to see him struggling with all of his fears and anxities.  We'll get him through this.  I think he feels that a change is coming.  It may be.  At this point, it's still kinda early to tell. 

I've been hitting the gym as much as I possibly can and I'm loving it!  I tag my Facebook so that I can look back and see how I did in any given week.... It's also great motivation.

I'm getting a new tattoo on Saturday!!!!!!!!!!  So excited.  This one isn't going to be big or anything.  But, special to me.

I also want to say publically that I love my husband so much.  He is so supportive of anything that I want to do, he's an amazing dad, and amazing foster dad, and a wonderful husband and partner.  I can't imagine my life without him.  I don't give him the credit he deserves, and that is going to start changing.  He rocks my world. 

Rebirth....

Did well at the gym today.  I was on the treadmill for about 40 minutes and did 2 miles, then, worked on the machines.  The treadmill time went so quickly, as I was reading my Harry Potter book.  Definitely doing that more often.  I feel good about it. 

It's new to our program that I don't stay present at the kids visits, which gives me now, starting this month, 2 - 3 hour spans of time to myself.  We just started this last week.... Well, I was invited to come along to the kids' visit with their bio parents by their father.  I had already made these plans for myself though, so I kept them.  I went to the gym, bought some new running shoes, and got some Subway.  I would've loved to have gone with the kids, but I have to start making some commitments to my health and keeping them.  I am so fucking sick of being sick.  Months upon months... 

Hoping to speak with our case manager soon.  Need to talk about my concerns.  Nothing major... just need to talk it out.  We love these kids so much and want to see the best for them happen... whatever that looks like in the end.  I want them to be happy, safe, healthy, loved, cherished, everything wonderful... 

So much for the "spill proof" snack cup....

.... and I don't care.  She had fun.  That's all that matters.  My baby genius figured it out.  I guess you could say that I've become more easy going now by kids #5 and #6.  I sure hope so.  If they remember anything about their time with us, I'd want it to be that they were loved beyond measure, safe, and they had fun, while still learning to be kind, loving people.  They are AH-MAZING!

We're preparing for baby pumpkin's birthday party.  It's very soon!  It's such an honor to be doing this for her.  It will be pink and princess and cupcake-y!  I hope that she'll surprise everyone and walk while she's there.  We're SO close.  ,

Big-ger pumpkin is taking his nap.  How he needs his rest!  It's been an emotional few days.  I have to acknowledge that while this has been one of the most rewarding things we've ever done, it's also been one of THE hardest thing we've ever done.  You have to do it with your whole heart.  You owe that to them.  We l-o-v-e them.  Big time.  We know that it will most likely come to an end someday.  We will try to prepare for that....  How do you ever prepare for that?!  I recently asked another seasoned foster parent how you get through it....  She said it's awful, it's horrible, it never gets easier, but you just move forward and you do it for the kids.  I know that's what we'll do.  Having been a surrogate mother twice, having carried other peoples' children in my body and then proudly sent them home, we somehow thought that it would make all of this "fostering stuff" easier.  It doesn't.  It's so different when you are actually parenting the children.  The bond is much more different and much more intense.  I felt protective of those babies while they were in my body and would do anything for them....  This feeling is different.  They are more real, looking into their little faces every day.  

We'll do whatever it takes.....  with unconditional love, kindness, empathy, devotion, grace, understanding, and patience....

Onward and Upwards....

I did it!  I set up my surgery consult.  I'm going to get myself put back together.   This hasn't been an easy decision...  Doing something this big for yourself, this costly, this time consuming... But, I do believe that it will do wonders for how I feel and I'm sure my husband will enjoy it as well.  Ha!  I'm excited, yet very nervous.  The unknown, the pain that is bound to be there... *EEEK!*  But, we'll get through it.

Baby pumpkin has lots of teeth, is very mobile and I think she'll walk soon!  We'll be celebrating her 1st birthday in a few weeks.  Bigger pumpkin is becoming his own little person... speaking more clearly, doing well with therapy, and finding his voice and personality.  Challenges come and we rise to them together.  They are happy, healthy, gaining weight, and look like different little people!  I am so happy that we decided to be foster parents.  We are so blessed.  This has changed all of our lives, in many ways... and the lives of those around us.  It's exciting to see others growing and being inspired. 

My children...  They continue to inspire us as well.  They continue to amaze us with their kindness, adaptability, their love.  We are just so very proud of our little not so little family. 

More later....  I need to start some dinner.  :) 

Xo

Rising up from the ashes!

This girl is going to be a phoenix! 

I don't know if this is going to be a complete post, as I am feeling pretty tired tonight.  Tired is a welcomed gift.  I'm struggling with sleeping and have for years.

 My food "hoarding" is as bad as ever.  We have food everywhere!  My son said to me the other day, "Mom, people could come to our house to go grocery shopping!"  Son, oh, my sweet, smart son, I sure know it.  I believe this stems from growing up with a parent with a gambling addiction, so badly that, sometimes, we didn't even have food.  Thank the universe that Grandma lived next door and her home was always open to us.  So now we have so much that a lot of it ends up getting thrown out due to it expiring.  I have challenged myself to put an end to this insanity.... starting 1/1/11.  It's been 2 days and I have not been to the grocery store.  Of course, we will have to get bread, milk, fruit, etc., but I AM going to use up our food stores if it kills me!  Pictures will follow so that I can have a measurable goal and also see my progress.  You would think that this should be simple... I am a great cook, if I do say so myself, but as much as I use up, I just go buy more.  We could probably survive Armageddon! 

Another thing that we need to deal with is some of the clutter around here.  I always want to save everything "for later - in case we need it."  I'm coming to the conclusion that, if we haven't needed it in the 6 or so years we've been in this house, then we are not going to need it. 

Maybe simplifying is exactly what we all need to achieve the calm serenity that I crave.  Out with the old and in with the new in so many ways!  How rejuvenating this will be for everyone.

We are *loving* being foster parents.  The pumpkins are wonderful!  It has been challenging having two little ones around again, but we are loving every minute.  We are so glad that we decided to do this.  I believe that our own children will learn and grow so much from this experience as well.  I could go on about this all night, but we'll save some things for later. 

..... and my weight.  I have taken off 28 lbs.  Things have been very difficult ever since my 1st gallbladder attack (June) up until now.  Now that it's been removed, I have entirely different digestive issues, but the new medicine seems to be helping (Cholestyramine).  I definitely need to do the best that I can to be successful in this challenge while also keeping it healthful and delicious.  I have about 40-50 more pounds to go.   We shall see.  I have completely wasted the year-long gym membership that I bought almost a year ago.  I've probably been there about 12-15x...  That really stinks!  Like flushing $500 down the toilet.    I got an invite from one of my best friends today to join a support group they are putting together.  It may be just what I need.  It's going to be difficult to do anything like a weekly "appointment" now that I have the pumpkins who have their own schedule.  We will see how it works out.  I'm so happy to have her looking out for me.  Love you, Erin! 

Big changes around here...  Most very exciting, some very sad (which I'm not going to go into).  If you are close to me, you know already.  I am so much in need of change.  It'll be difficult at times, but there's no better time to start than 1/1/11....  And that's how it happened.